I started using contact lenses in 1986, when they were still pretty new. Back then you had a choice of hard or soft lenses, and the soft lenses I got were so thick they'd bounce if you dropped them. Here's some advice from me based on my usage experience for more than two decades.
How to Lose Contact Lenses
The fastest way to lose perfectly good contacts is to jump in a swimming pool and open your eyes. Your contacts will drift away horizontally. Then you'll start to wonder if the expression "finding a needle in a haystack" shouldn't be replaced with "finding a contact lens in a pool." Who looks for needles in haystacks anyway?
Another good way to lose contact lenses is to ride your motorcycle, or perhaps even bicycle, and - when you're going at a good clip - turn to look over your shoulder. The oncoming wind will blow your lens right off and land it on somebody's windshield and you'll be doing 70 mph on the freeway while desperately screwing one eye shut. This is why you should never check for approaching traffic when changing lanes. Just turn your blinker on, wave your arm wildly, and hope that any oncoming 18-wheeler will give way.
Lastly, you can try losing your contacts by going to sleep. Your contact will sometimes migrate to the back of your eyeball, probably because of all that REM as you chase squirrels in your dreams (or whatever). You will lose sensation of the contact lens and spend hours searching on your pillow, or the gutter, depending on where you went to sleep. There is only one way to get that contact out, namely to go to an opthalmolometrist or whatever those white-coated people are called, though I just prefer to dig my finger way past the eyeball and fish it out manually. I haven't popped my eyeball yet.
Lens Care on the Cheap
If you follow the manufacturer's instructions, you will spend your entire fortune on contact lens related products, even if your dad happens to own Bausch & Lomb. Furthermore, you will be spending 2 hours a day on contact care, which is ridiculous. Now that you have contacts instead of that ugly old monocle or pair of milk-bottoms or whatever, you should get a social life, so spending hours maintaining lenses is just plain silly.
Here's Nick's guide to contact care.
First, do not bother cleaning your lenses with any of the cleaners. The lenses will not get dirty or grimy, because they will be kept clean by the eye the same way the cornea is kept clean. You don't need to disinfect them either, unless you are particularly unhygienic, in which case you should disinfect your entire self also.
The only thing you need to do is get rid of accummulated protein using protein remover tablets, once a week or month depending how often you use your contacts. The ultrasonic cleaning gadget does not work, at all, so don't even try.
You must, however, make sure your lenses do not ever touch anything except saline whilst they are not in your eye. Procedure is as follows. I will assume you are right-handed (if not substitute 'right' with 'left' and vice versa). We'll start by the procedure for inserting your lenses.
1. Remove the lids from the contact lens case. DO NOT TOUCH the liquid nor the contacts inside. Just open the case, that's all.
2. Wash hands carefully, then wash again. DO NOT DRY HANDS on a towel or a paper napkin. Leave them wet.
3. Then pour some saline - a generous amount - onto the palm of your left hand, which you will hold cupped, as if begging for alms in ancient Rome. Note that when picking up the bottle of saline with your right hand, do not let the tips of your fingers touch the bottle, because you'll need them to remain freshly washed. Use your teeth to get rid of the cap if you forgot to open it in advance.
4. The middle finger of your right hand is the insertion finger. Dab said finger into the puddle of saline on your palm. Discard saline (which has now been contaminated with a bit of water). Your insertion finger has been salinized and is now ready for use.
5. Fish out the lens from the case using only your insertion finger. If you put the tip of your finger in the hollow of the lens, the lens will stick to the finger and you can somehow pull it out.
6. Place lens on palm of left hand. Add lots of saline. Massage gently on the inside. Discard saline. Flip the lens inside out and massage gently on the outside (which is now the inside). Repeat entire procedure about 3 times.
7. Somehow get the lens to be positioned on the ball of the insertion finger, WITHOUT using any other finger. This is very easy after about 10 years of daily practice.
8. Insert lens into eye by staring straight ahead, thus positioning the pupil dead center. I can do it in the dark, while riding a horse, but newbies should use a mirror. Use your left hand to stretch away the eyelid. People with long, silky, flowing hair such as myself should use a headband or scrunchy or whatever.
That's it. Now, after coming home from a wild night spent at a gentlemen's club, or dancing on tabletops, or whatever, you need to remove your lenses. Here are the steps.
1. Prepare the contact lens case by rinsing it with water, then rinsing it with a bit of saline which you shall discard immediately. Then fill to brim with saline. Try not to get your hands in contact with the brim of the lens case, or the insides of the lids.
2. Wash hands thoroughly. Then wash again. You must wash twice because makeup or grease are hard to get rid of. As before, do not dry.
3. Again, create a puddle of saline on the palm of your left hand, without contaminating the finger tips of your right hand.
4. Dab thumb and forefinger (index finger) of your right hand into saline puddle. Your "undocking fingers" are now ready for action.
5. Pry your eye wide open using your left hand, and undock the lens using your undocking fingers. Hold the lens gingerly and gently place it into the waiting case.
6. Shut lid.
You're done! Now, some people will say that you should do the heavy rinsing in saline after removing the lenses, not before putting them on. Trust me, that's impossible, especially if you've just consumed 7 straight shots of Jameson brand whiskey. Plus, after the lenses have slept in saline overnight, they'll be easier to rinse.
Replacing Lenses
Lenses nowadays last forever, so replace when one gets ripped, or if you can't see right no more.
Emergencies
Should you happen to drop a lens while not within easy reach of saline, DO NOT use your mouth to keep it moist. A professional athlete - I think it was a boxer - is reported as having obtained an eye infection by doing this, and he lost his vision in one eye.
It is not a problem if a lens dries out and becomes brittle, so long as you don't try to unfold it or apply any sort of pressure. Just take it home - very gently - and place it in saline. Alternatively, you can buy a fresh bottle of Evian and keep the lens there - but you might forget about it and end up drinking the lens along with the Evian when you get thirsty (I've only done this twice). If you do manage not to drink it, remember to put it in saline before using it again.
It is best to keep saline around, in your car, in your office, in your gym locker, in the condo where you keep your mistress, etc.
